Be Careful What You Wish For

Sometimes life is somewhat unexpected.  Just when you're getting dispairing of ever meeting anyone new and interesting, fate chucks someone in your path and upsets the apple cart.

A friend of my good friend, H, but just one I've somehow never met before.  Probably because he's been working abroad for the last 3 years.  You click and chat and chat and chat.  It doesn't feel like flirting, just a conversation that doesn't seem to have an end.  And for once, not even trying to be flirty, you're attractive to them.  And you find them attractive too, but for some reason you're just too relaxed to try and take it anywhere.

The night goes on, and before you know it, one drunken bar has lead to another, and it's the end of the night, and when asked if you're going back with the boys or back to your own flat, you let yourself be persuaded.  Two drunken refugees at a mutual friends house.

Hit the sofa, and it feels comfortable to pop your feet up on him, so you do.  And because of the situation, natural that you'll share the spare bed.  And somehow in the night, what started as a friendly hug, leads to a little bit more.  Not all of it, because he's being a gentleman (and you're conscious of your host, even drunk, being in the next door room doors being open), but enough to indicate he's interested and confirm that you are too.

But just a small hitch, because your blond bed companion is off to work abroad again soon .... in fact all the way on the other side of the world, for the next couple of years, and leaving in 4 weeks time.

So in the morning, you enjoy a recovery breakfast with friends (trying to ignore the fact that you're very much in Dirty Stop-out Mode), enjoy a leisurely walk back to more friends to pick up his car, and let him drop you back at your flat with a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek good-bye.  Because where can it go?

And when you late speak to your friend H, it turns out that she has a real thing for the the Global Traveller, even though she's now seeing someone else, and anyway she knows he isn't interested in her.  She doesn't know about Saturday nights interlude with Global Traveller, but you feel guilty none-the-less, because you already fucked up with the whole Boy Wonder situation.

Crap, crap, crap.

To come clean and tell her about the Global Traveller?  Or not bother, since you're not going to see him again.  I lasted til Thursday before I blurted it out and told her.  She'd guessed but not asked about it.  Not the happiest, but not so mad either.  It's done, and anyway, as much as you're tempted to text GT and ask if he's around at all before he leaves (because let's face it ..... I'm totally curious to finish what was started in that mutual friend's bed), it's closed book.

Except it's never that bloody simple is it?????  Because one week later you hit the pub for Sunday lunch with H and friends.  A pub you've never even been to before.  And there he freaking is.  And you've got time off work, he's got time off work, and somehow you spend the next couple of days together.  But you don't know where you stand, because he acts like a friend and makes no move to finish what was started.  But pays for most of the days out, and occasionally pops up behind you to hug you to him or seemingly just find an excuse to touch him.

Does he want you to make a move?  Does he want to make a move.  Is it like a proper old-fashioned date?  Or is just glad to have fun company before he leaves the country for good???

Gaaaaaaaaaah!!!  I.  Do.  Not.  Know. 

What I do know, is that now he's gone again after 2 hilarious days, and now I will definitely probably not see him before he goes.  And that H seems off with me again now, for spending time with him.

You see - you should be careful what you wish for.  Because it's never without it's complications.

Yours truly,

A Love Fool.

Just Because I Don't Want You, Doesn't Mean You Shouldn't Want Me

I do not want to get together with the Boy Wonder.  Or back together.  Or whatever the hell we were.

I honestly don't.  So why, dear reader, am I so obsessed with whether he is dating / seeing / shagging / screwing around somebody new?  Explain that to me.

And further more .... please somebody explain the logic of me yet again ending up inappropriately curled up on his sofa with him on Friday night for hours on end, and not entirely sure whether I wanted something to happen or not.  It didn't, and that is most definitely a good thing.  Refer to the first sentence of this post for my sentiments on that.  But I still had (and have) decidedly mixed feelings about the fact that he wasn't bothered either. 

Dearest Ego:  please sort yourself out - you're causing me confusion.

Kind regards

Your Brain.

All Is Quiet On The Western Front

I have, for the time being, given up on men.  Or at least I'm trying to.  And no - that doesn't mean I'm starting on women!

I'm just taking a little me-time.  Following a conversation with one of my girl-friends, I came to the realisation that what she was saying sounded trite but is ultimately true:

if I'm wondering why men don't treat me bad, maybe I should take a look at how I treat myself.  Because honestly?  It's not great.  I'm hard on myself, and trash-talk myself via my inner monologue all the time.  If I don't like me, why do I expect other people to fall in love? 

So instead, I'm taking a while to figure out a way to like myself a little more, and resurrect and shore up my frankly pathetic self-esteem.  This will hopefully involve lots of fun things to make life good ... but no men.  Not for a while.  Enough with the need for external validation - it's time to get me some internal validation.

Thing is - it turns out it's quite hard to turn off your potential-man-radar, when it's been on for so long!  I've deleted my profile from the dating website, so that's cut off one source, but I still find myself eyeing up men as I walk around in my day-to-day life - arrrrgh!  And going out on Saturday night and not looking at the talent?  In fact, actively not looking at the talent???  Weird!!!

But oddly relaxing!

From Two To None

Or otherwise entitled: How I Finally Grew Some Balls and Did What I Should Have Done A While Ago.

Sooooooo, this weekend I've been away with friends including the Boy Wonder.  Also present, amongst many others, were Strumpet (relationship-breaker extroadinaire if we cast our minds back) and Welshy (had a fling with the Boy Wonder over Xmas).  AKA - the competition.

It soon because evident that Strumpet has her eyes firmly set on BW, and is going to be making a serious play for him.  All.  Freaking.  Weekend.  Wow - watch the gossips go wild over that one.  Also consider me a little less than amused, when I overhear her angling to sleep with him on Friday night, especially since I'm actually sharing a room with him (no .... not like that).  Thankfully, he brushed her off on that occasion, but it became painfully obvious to me as the weekend progressed, that he was more than happy to flirt with Strumpet quite openly in front of both Welshy and myself. 

Moving forward to Sunday afternoon and a private conversation with Welshy reveals that their Xmas fling was in fact not just at Xmas.  There was more beforehand and he continued to chat to her (by which I mean chat her up) afterwards.  She's shocked to discover from me that he was carrying on with Strumpet at the same time (I swear to God, I genuinely didn't know that she didn't know), and I am rapidly coming to the conclusion (finally .... dear Lord how long has it taken me????) that BW has no concern for my feelings, any of our feelings, at all.  Despite the fact that we're all friends of his, he clearly doesn't hold us in very high regard.

It is also becoming abundantly clear, and my last remaining shreds of dignity as screaming at me, that I deserve a bit more than this .... I deserve to be more than someone's 3rd choice, when there's nothing better around, and then just discarded with no thought when there is something better.

I couldn't find the balls to say anything on the journey home, I was just grateful that Strumpet hadn't weaseled a lift in my car with BW and myself.  ~But 24 hours later, I'd stewed on it enough that I was able to say it over MSN. 

I am free.  He apologised - said he hadn't meant to upset me, and agreed that I did deserve to be someone's first choice.  He reaffirmed that he likes me and does respect me (hmmmmmm - somewhat dubious), but also confirmed what I'd already worked out .... he isn't interested in me in that way.

So whilst I'm free, I also feel pretty rubbish.  I'd made the right choice, and stood up for my last little bit of dignity and walked away.  But I walked away knowing that apparently I'm not as good as the Strumpet, or even Welshy (to be fair - I knew that second one - she's lovely, funny and pretty - I'm not as good.  But the Strumpet???? Really???).

48 hours on, I feel a little less hollow.  A little more resigned.  I still don't know what it is about me that's missing that causes men to see me as a friend, maybe someone they'd fuck, but not girlfriend material.  The Producer from London didn't want me, and went to chase after the girl he loved, and I've extricated myself from BW whilst hopefully preserving my friendship.  I guess I'm better for it, even if I'm not much happier.

And the icing on the cake???  After just 6 months of being single after splitting from BW and having her heart stomped on so bad she didn't think she'd ever love anyone again, H has already found a new guy this week.  Which I think is brilliant for her ... she needs to appreciate how great she is .... but I do confess to feeling a little jealous.  She finds someone effortlessly after just 6 months, where I honestly feel like I'm going to be single (or used and abused) for ever. 

Meh.

Yours Always,

A Love Fool.

Wrung Out

I feel drained right now.  Utterly, utterly drained.

I've had a tense weekend, full of sometimes enlightening, and sometimes unwelcome discoveries.  I've had an up-and-down emotional evening tonight, and I've just slogged it out with the Boy Wonder in brutally honest fashion and finished it.  Hopefully, whilst saving our friendship.

I also decided that the internet dating was not for me and finally just deleted my profiles, as I've decided that if love / sex / some form of interaction is ever going to happen, it will happen in it's own sweet time, and naturally, and I'm strong enough to wait for that day.  I think.

So why do I feel so hollow? 

I'll write about this properly later.

A Love Fool - signing out to go and debate the wisdom of her actions.

Typical

Sod's Law: Definition No. 2 - when you swear off men for a while, and then accidentally find yourself agreeing to a date a couple of days later .... he will turn out to be unreliable and then cancel on you.

Hmph. 

We'll see if he gets a second chance at rearranging.

Sod's Law

Sod's Law - definition no. 1:  The moment you say "that's it, I'm not dating anymore, I'm giving men a break because it's too much hassle", you end up with another date for Saturday. 

I'm not entirely sure how that happened, but here we go again!