Wednesday, 23 March 2011

All Is Quiet On The Western Front

I have, for the time being, given up on men.  Or at least I'm trying to.  And no - that doesn't mean I'm starting on women!

I'm just taking a little me-time.  Following a conversation with one of my girl-friends, I came to the realisation that what she was saying sounded trite but is ultimately true:

if I'm wondering why men don't treat me bad, maybe I should take a look at how I treat myself.  Because honestly?  It's not great.  I'm hard on myself, and trash-talk myself via my inner monologue all the time.  If I don't like me, why do I expect other people to fall in love? 

So instead, I'm taking a while to figure out a way to like myself a little more, and resurrect and shore up my frankly pathetic self-esteem.  This will hopefully involve lots of fun things to make life good ... but no men.  Not for a while.  Enough with the need for external validation - it's time to get me some internal validation.

Thing is - it turns out it's quite hard to turn off your potential-man-radar, when it's been on for so long!  I've deleted my profile from the dating website, so that's cut off one source, but I still find myself eyeing up men as I walk around in my day-to-day life - arrrrgh!  And going out on Saturday night and not looking at the talent?  In fact, actively not looking at the talent???  Weird!!!

But oddly relaxing!

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

From Two To None

Or otherwise entitled: How I Finally Grew Some Balls and Did What I Should Have Done A While Ago.

Sooooooo, this weekend I've been away with friends including the Boy Wonder.  Also present, amongst many others, were Strumpet (relationship-breaker extroadinaire if we cast our minds back) and Welshy (had a fling with the Boy Wonder over Xmas).  AKA - the competition.

It soon because evident that Strumpet has her eyes firmly set on BW, and is going to be making a serious play for him.  All.  Freaking.  Weekend.  Wow - watch the gossips go wild over that one.  Also consider me a little less than amused, when I overhear her angling to sleep with him on Friday night, especially since I'm actually sharing a room with him (no .... not like that).  Thankfully, he brushed her off on that occasion, but it became painfully obvious to me as the weekend progressed, that he was more than happy to flirt with Strumpet quite openly in front of both Welshy and myself. 

Moving forward to Sunday afternoon and a private conversation with Welshy reveals that their Xmas fling was in fact not just at Xmas.  There was more beforehand and he continued to chat to her (by which I mean chat her up) afterwards.  She's shocked to discover from me that he was carrying on with Strumpet at the same time (I swear to God, I genuinely didn't know that she didn't know), and I am rapidly coming to the conclusion (finally .... dear Lord how long has it taken me????) that BW has no concern for my feelings, any of our feelings, at all.  Despite the fact that we're all friends of his, he clearly doesn't hold us in very high regard.

It is also becoming abundantly clear, and my last remaining shreds of dignity as screaming at me, that I deserve a bit more than this .... I deserve to be more than someone's 3rd choice, when there's nothing better around, and then just discarded with no thought when there is something better.

I couldn't find the balls to say anything on the journey home, I was just grateful that Strumpet hadn't weaseled a lift in my car with BW and myself.  ~But 24 hours later, I'd stewed on it enough that I was able to say it over MSN. 

I am free.  He apologised - said he hadn't meant to upset me, and agreed that I did deserve to be someone's first choice.  He reaffirmed that he likes me and does respect me (hmmmmmm - somewhat dubious), but also confirmed what I'd already worked out .... he isn't interested in me in that way.

So whilst I'm free, I also feel pretty rubbish.  I'd made the right choice, and stood up for my last little bit of dignity and walked away.  But I walked away knowing that apparently I'm not as good as the Strumpet, or even Welshy (to be fair - I knew that second one - she's lovely, funny and pretty - I'm not as good.  But the Strumpet???? Really???).

48 hours on, I feel a little less hollow.  A little more resigned.  I still don't know what it is about me that's missing that causes men to see me as a friend, maybe someone they'd fuck, but not girlfriend material.  The Producer from London didn't want me, and went to chase after the girl he loved, and I've extricated myself from BW whilst hopefully preserving my friendship.  I guess I'm better for it, even if I'm not much happier.

And the icing on the cake???  After just 6 months of being single after splitting from BW and having her heart stomped on so bad she didn't think she'd ever love anyone again, H has already found a new guy this week.  Which I think is brilliant for her ... she needs to appreciate how great she is .... but I do confess to feeling a little jealous.  She finds someone effortlessly after just 6 months, where I honestly feel like I'm going to be single (or used and abused) for ever. 


Yours Always,

A Love Fool.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Wrung Out

I feel drained right now.  Utterly, utterly drained.

I've had a tense weekend, full of sometimes enlightening, and sometimes unwelcome discoveries.  I've had an up-and-down emotional evening tonight, and I've just slogged it out with the Boy Wonder in brutally honest fashion and finished it.  Hopefully, whilst saving our friendship.

I also decided that the internet dating was not for me and finally just deleted my profiles, as I've decided that if love / sex / some form of interaction is ever going to happen, it will happen in it's own sweet time, and naturally, and I'm strong enough to wait for that day.  I think.

So why do I feel so hollow? 

I'll write about this properly later.

A Love Fool - signing out to go and debate the wisdom of her actions.