Typical

Sod's Law: Definition No. 2 - when you swear off men for a while, and then accidentally find yourself agreeing to a date a couple of days later .... he will turn out to be unreliable and then cancel on you.

Hmph. 

We'll see if he gets a second chance at rearranging.

Sod's Law

Sod's Law - definition no. 1:  The moment you say "that's it, I'm not dating anymore, I'm giving men a break because it's too much hassle", you end up with another date for Saturday. 

I'm not entirely sure how that happened, but here we go again!

Oh Dear

Groan .... I am officially plumbing new depths as the lowest of the low.

Boy Wonder and another friend D stayed at mine this weekend for my housewarming party, whilst other friends stayed with H.  I safely stayed away from him in the pub on Friday night, after dinner with H, and even during Saturday afternoon when we were alone and then the housewarming .... but it's tempting fate for him to be staying in my bed (D had the sofa-bed, and since BW and I are good friends, it was never an unreasonable assumption on the face of it that it would work out that way) and nothing to happen.

And again on Sunday afternoon after D had headed home.  I felt like such a special grade of double-faced bitch when it turned out that I was kicking BW out of bed and out of the flat so I could go for a pre-arranged run with H.  Especially the point where she was saying how hard it had been talking to him the night before (the first time they'd been face-to-face since my birthday) and how she'd found herself listening for hints of who he might be sleeping with now.  Ummmmm .....

Guilt, guilt, guilt!!!

And the worst thing?  I knew, even as I was in bed with BW, that I didn't 100% want to be there.  The lure of physical contact and affection when I've been too lonely won out over the fact that mentally I really didn't want to be there.  I know deep down that BW isn't what I want, which is probably why I give him such mixed signals, but god, I miss affection.  And sex - I'll admit it.  I've just got to find the courage to stop doing this to myself.

If I'm totally honest, I would also admit that I'm even sunk to the depths of feeling jealous of H that she's off on holiday next week with a potential new guy.  Afterall, she's been utterly miserable for 6+ months now, which I've hated seeing, and still isn't at all sure of herself so she deserves some happiness.  But don't I?  After a lifetime of being left out, can't I have a little happiness of my own instead of this mess?

Sigh.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

Rejection!

So .... running alongside the sordid tale of misjudged lunacy that is my on-again, off-again dalliance with the Boy Wonder, I've also been dipping my toe into the world of proper dating.

And it turns out it can be quite painful.  I knew there was a reason I'm so shy of getting involved with guys normally, but I always used to have my weight to hide behind.  Since I dropped my weight (or most of it), I've been trying to force myself to get out there and face the world.

I've decided that I don't always like the world.

I started seeing a guy just after Christmas, and despite lots of distractions (work, work, work, pre-planned social life) on both sides (and him being in London and me not), we managed to see each other a couple of times, and chat loads - everyday by text or on the phone.  And believe me, in my world, that's a scary amount of commitment. 

I should have guessed something was up, when he suddenly went very quiet over the weekend, then promised to call me today.  And there it was - I could hear it as soon as we spoke - the awkwardness because he knew he had something to say and just wanted to get it out.  He'd met a girl at the weekend he'd been in love with for years, and she'd finally split up with her boyfriend.  So as much as he likes me (wonderful - that makes me feel better) he wants to see where it goes with her. 

Dumped.

And you know what's weird .... that's the first time in my life I've ever been dumped.

I've never been in a long term relationship.  There have been guys, but I've always walked away first, or just left them with no opening.  Too scared of the rejection.

And strangely, it's not the most terrible thing.  I mean, it's not great, but it's not horrible.

But you know what made me cry?

Boy Wonder's down tomorrow for the weekend, before other friends descend on Saturday for my house-warming party, and I just found out he's not staying with me for the weekend.  I assumed he was, and I'm upset he's not, because I feel rejected.  And upset, because I don't want to be upset, because I don't have that kind of demand on him, and don't want to.  I don't sodding want to be get mentally involved.  And I've probably made that pretty clear to him, so I don't even know why I'm getting upset!

Anyhoo - right now I feel about as attractive a pile of cold cabbage, so I'm going to go to bed.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

So Where Are We Now?

I truly doubt my sanity sometimes.

Since Boy Wonder broke up with H last summer, the gossip about him has not stopped. 

First about the circumstances of the break-up and the girl he got caught with (I'm going to call her Strumpet - she should definitely know better as she's in a relationship herself).  Then there were his numerous flirtations with strangers.  And his is-he-isn't-he with another friend (that's easy - I shall call her Welshy), culminating in his self-confessed "holiday romance" with her over Christmas. 

All our friends are coupled up and settled down, and there has not been scandal like this for years.  So every conversation revolves around his antics.

So what's my part in this?  None.  Nothing what-so-ever.  For you see, I am The One Nobody Knows About.  And God knows I am more than happy to keep it that way. 

But why-oh-why would I let myself be treated like this?  Just one of a string of girls?  Where on earth has my self-respect gone?????  Actually, I'm not sure I had any.

I must, must, must grow a spine and get myself out of this situation.  Before my remaining iota of self-esteem is trampled into the ground.  Or worse still, before H finds out what a truly appallingly awful friend I have been.

I didn't think I had it in me to behave this badly.  Apparently, something in me is a little bit rotten.  Or just missing altogether.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

A Sordid History of Stupidity

I knew him before I met her.  We got along really well, in a fun and flirty way, but never the way he flirted with the other girls.  Perhaps because I was fat.  Perhaps because I hated myself so much for being fat.  Or maybe I just never saw it because I didn't believe anyone could like me.  Later I met her, his girlfriend, and we got on well and became friends.

Fast-forward 5 years.  They're still together, although both mutter abour wondering where it's going (not an excuse on my part, just a fact).  One night, somewhat drunk, and the flirty friendship with my safe friend (for argument's sake let's call him the Boy Wonder) tips over into very unsafe territory - just a kiss, but he's not single, and by now I'm pretty good friends with his girlfriend.  Not that it makes a difference, but I'm also about 4 stone lighter than I once was and haven't a clue about my self-identity any more. 

Shocked by my own stupidity, and feeling incredibly guilty, I swear to myself that it won't happen again.  But it does - months go by between kisses, but it happens another 3 times.  And then BAM!!!  Whilst away travelling in Central America for a month over the summer, I get a text from him to say they've broken up.  Because she caught him cheating.

Of course, my first thought (oh evil, evil me) is holy crap, have I been caught?  Oh yeah - that's how nice a person I am.  Luckily for me, I haven't.  Unluckily for his girlfriend (let's call her H), he's been cheating with someone else. 

Now you'd think at this point, that any sane person would think "poor H, but at least I got away with it" and move swiftly along.  And for a while I did.  I continued my travels, talked regularly to H online, and over the phone when I got home.  Got a new job even, and made the decision to move cities (ironically, oh the irony, to H's city) and upped-sticks and moved away.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I got drunk once more, and this time, dear reader, I slept with him.  And a few more times after that.  Apparently, I am not a sane person, after all.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

I'm A Fool

Not just a fool, but officially A. Horrible. Person.

I never thought I'd be that person, and make those mistakes, but here I am ... and boy, am I making them. 

Deep breath ....

I'm sleeping with my best friend's ex.  Whilst she's still in pieces about the break-up.  And what's worse, is I'm the person she's turned to when she's shut everyone else out.

Oh.  My.  God.  (and you can tell this is serious as I am not, on the whole, an O-M-G kind of gal).  How did it come to this?

I keep saying it will be the last time and it won't happen again, but in all honesty he's coming to stay this weekend, and I can't pretend that I'm not looking forward to it.

Somewhere along the line, I became so starved of affection that I now crave it.

It's a ridiculous situation, and I can't tell a damn soul about it.  So judge away, because I'll never meet you, but at least I can pour my heart out here.

Yours always,

A Love Fool