Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Be Careful What You Wish For

Sometimes life is somewhat unexpected.  Just when you're getting dispairing of ever meeting anyone new and interesting, fate chucks someone in your path and upsets the apple cart.

A friend of my good friend, H, but just one I've somehow never met before.  Probably because he's been working abroad for the last 3 years.  You click and chat and chat and chat.  It doesn't feel like flirting, just a conversation that doesn't seem to have an end.  And for once, not even trying to be flirty, you're attractive to them.  And you find them attractive too, but for some reason you're just too relaxed to try and take it anywhere.

The night goes on, and before you know it, one drunken bar has lead to another, and it's the end of the night, and when asked if you're going back with the boys or back to your own flat, you let yourself be persuaded.  Two drunken refugees at a mutual friends house.

Hit the sofa, and it feels comfortable to pop your feet up on him, so you do.  And because of the situation, natural that you'll share the spare bed.  And somehow in the night, what started as a friendly hug, leads to a little bit more.  Not all of it, because he's being a gentleman (and you're conscious of your host, even drunk, being in the next door room doors being open), but enough to indicate he's interested and confirm that you are too.

But just a small hitch, because your blond bed companion is off to work abroad again soon .... in fact all the way on the other side of the world, for the next couple of years, and leaving in 4 weeks time.

So in the morning, you enjoy a recovery breakfast with friends (trying to ignore the fact that you're very much in Dirty Stop-out Mode), enjoy a leisurely walk back to more friends to pick up his car, and let him drop you back at your flat with a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek good-bye.  Because where can it go?

And when you late speak to your friend H, it turns out that she has a real thing for the the Global Traveller, even though she's now seeing someone else, and anyway she knows he isn't interested in her.  She doesn't know about Saturday nights interlude with Global Traveller, but you feel guilty none-the-less, because you already fucked up with the whole Boy Wonder situation.

Crap, crap, crap.

To come clean and tell her about the Global Traveller?  Or not bother, since you're not going to see him again.  I lasted til Thursday before I blurted it out and told her.  She'd guessed but not asked about it.  Not the happiest, but not so mad either.  It's done, and anyway, as much as you're tempted to text GT and ask if he's around at all before he leaves (because let's face it ..... I'm totally curious to finish what was started in that mutual friend's bed), it's closed book.

Except it's never that bloody simple is it?????  Because one week later you hit the pub for Sunday lunch with H and friends.  A pub you've never even been to before.  And there he freaking is.  And you've got time off work, he's got time off work, and somehow you spend the next couple of days together.  But you don't know where you stand, because he acts like a friend and makes no move to finish what was started.  But pays for most of the days out, and occasionally pops up behind you to hug you to him or seemingly just find an excuse to touch him.

Does he want you to make a move?  Does he want to make a move.  Is it like a proper old-fashioned date?  Or is just glad to have fun company before he leaves the country for good???

Gaaaaaaaaaah!!!  I.  Do.  Not.  Know. 

What I do know, is that now he's gone again after 2 hilarious days, and now I will definitely probably not see him before he goes.  And that H seems off with me again now, for spending time with him.

You see - you should be careful what you wish for.  Because it's never without it's complications.

Yours truly,

A Love Fool.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Just Because I Don't Want You, Doesn't Mean You Shouldn't Want Me

I do not want to get together with the Boy Wonder.  Or back together.  Or whatever the hell we were.

I honestly don't.  So why, dear reader, am I so obsessed with whether he is dating / seeing / shagging / screwing around somebody new?  Explain that to me.

And further more .... please somebody explain the logic of me yet again ending up inappropriately curled up on his sofa with him on Friday night for hours on end, and not entirely sure whether I wanted something to happen or not.  It didn't, and that is most definitely a good thing.  Refer to the first sentence of this post for my sentiments on that.  But I still had (and have) decidedly mixed feelings about the fact that he wasn't bothered either. 

Dearest Ego:  please sort yourself out - you're causing me confusion.

Kind regards

Your Brain.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

All Is Quiet On The Western Front

I have, for the time being, given up on men.  Or at least I'm trying to.  And no - that doesn't mean I'm starting on women!

I'm just taking a little me-time.  Following a conversation with one of my girl-friends, I came to the realisation that what she was saying sounded trite but is ultimately true:

if I'm wondering why men don't treat me bad, maybe I should take a look at how I treat myself.  Because honestly?  It's not great.  I'm hard on myself, and trash-talk myself via my inner monologue all the time.  If I don't like me, why do I expect other people to fall in love? 

So instead, I'm taking a while to figure out a way to like myself a little more, and resurrect and shore up my frankly pathetic self-esteem.  This will hopefully involve lots of fun things to make life good ... but no men.  Not for a while.  Enough with the need for external validation - it's time to get me some internal validation.

Thing is - it turns out it's quite hard to turn off your potential-man-radar, when it's been on for so long!  I've deleted my profile from the dating website, so that's cut off one source, but I still find myself eyeing up men as I walk around in my day-to-day life - arrrrgh!  And going out on Saturday night and not looking at the talent?  In fact, actively not looking at the talent???  Weird!!!

But oddly relaxing!

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

From Two To None

Or otherwise entitled: How I Finally Grew Some Balls and Did What I Should Have Done A While Ago.

Sooooooo, this weekend I've been away with friends including the Boy Wonder.  Also present, amongst many others, were Strumpet (relationship-breaker extroadinaire if we cast our minds back) and Welshy (had a fling with the Boy Wonder over Xmas).  AKA - the competition.

It soon because evident that Strumpet has her eyes firmly set on BW, and is going to be making a serious play for him.  All.  Freaking.  Weekend.  Wow - watch the gossips go wild over that one.  Also consider me a little less than amused, when I overhear her angling to sleep with him on Friday night, especially since I'm actually sharing a room with him (no .... not like that).  Thankfully, he brushed her off on that occasion, but it became painfully obvious to me as the weekend progressed, that he was more than happy to flirt with Strumpet quite openly in front of both Welshy and myself. 

Moving forward to Sunday afternoon and a private conversation with Welshy reveals that their Xmas fling was in fact not just at Xmas.  There was more beforehand and he continued to chat to her (by which I mean chat her up) afterwards.  She's shocked to discover from me that he was carrying on with Strumpet at the same time (I swear to God, I genuinely didn't know that she didn't know), and I am rapidly coming to the conclusion (finally .... dear Lord how long has it taken me????) that BW has no concern for my feelings, any of our feelings, at all.  Despite the fact that we're all friends of his, he clearly doesn't hold us in very high regard.

It is also becoming abundantly clear, and my last remaining shreds of dignity as screaming at me, that I deserve a bit more than this .... I deserve to be more than someone's 3rd choice, when there's nothing better around, and then just discarded with no thought when there is something better.

I couldn't find the balls to say anything on the journey home, I was just grateful that Strumpet hadn't weaseled a lift in my car with BW and myself.  ~But 24 hours later, I'd stewed on it enough that I was able to say it over MSN. 

I am free.  He apologised - said he hadn't meant to upset me, and agreed that I did deserve to be someone's first choice.  He reaffirmed that he likes me and does respect me (hmmmmmm - somewhat dubious), but also confirmed what I'd already worked out .... he isn't interested in me in that way.

So whilst I'm free, I also feel pretty rubbish.  I'd made the right choice, and stood up for my last little bit of dignity and walked away.  But I walked away knowing that apparently I'm not as good as the Strumpet, or even Welshy (to be fair - I knew that second one - she's lovely, funny and pretty - I'm not as good.  But the Strumpet???? Really???).

48 hours on, I feel a little less hollow.  A little more resigned.  I still don't know what it is about me that's missing that causes men to see me as a friend, maybe someone they'd fuck, but not girlfriend material.  The Producer from London didn't want me, and went to chase after the girl he loved, and I've extricated myself from BW whilst hopefully preserving my friendship.  I guess I'm better for it, even if I'm not much happier.

And the icing on the cake???  After just 6 months of being single after splitting from BW and having her heart stomped on so bad she didn't think she'd ever love anyone again, H has already found a new guy this week.  Which I think is brilliant for her ... she needs to appreciate how great she is .... but I do confess to feeling a little jealous.  She finds someone effortlessly after just 6 months, where I honestly feel like I'm going to be single (or used and abused) for ever. 


Yours Always,

A Love Fool.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Wrung Out

I feel drained right now.  Utterly, utterly drained.

I've had a tense weekend, full of sometimes enlightening, and sometimes unwelcome discoveries.  I've had an up-and-down emotional evening tonight, and I've just slogged it out with the Boy Wonder in brutally honest fashion and finished it.  Hopefully, whilst saving our friendship.

I also decided that the internet dating was not for me and finally just deleted my profiles, as I've decided that if love / sex / some form of interaction is ever going to happen, it will happen in it's own sweet time, and naturally, and I'm strong enough to wait for that day.  I think.

So why do I feel so hollow? 

I'll write about this properly later.

A Love Fool - signing out to go and debate the wisdom of her actions.

Thursday, 24 February 2011


Sod's Law: Definition No. 2 - when you swear off men for a while, and then accidentally find yourself agreeing to a date a couple of days later .... he will turn out to be unreliable and then cancel on you.


We'll see if he gets a second chance at rearranging.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Sod's Law

Sod's Law - definition no. 1:  The moment you say "that's it, I'm not dating anymore, I'm giving men a break because it's too much hassle", you end up with another date for Saturday. 

I'm not entirely sure how that happened, but here we go again!

Monday, 21 February 2011

Oh Dear

Groan .... I am officially plumbing new depths as the lowest of the low.

Boy Wonder and another friend D stayed at mine this weekend for my housewarming party, whilst other friends stayed with H.  I safely stayed away from him in the pub on Friday night, after dinner with H, and even during Saturday afternoon when we were alone and then the housewarming .... but it's tempting fate for him to be staying in my bed (D had the sofa-bed, and since BW and I are good friends, it was never an unreasonable assumption on the face of it that it would work out that way) and nothing to happen.

And again on Sunday afternoon after D had headed home.  I felt like such a special grade of double-faced bitch when it turned out that I was kicking BW out of bed and out of the flat so I could go for a pre-arranged run with H.  Especially the point where she was saying how hard it had been talking to him the night before (the first time they'd been face-to-face since my birthday) and how she'd found herself listening for hints of who he might be sleeping with now.  Ummmmm .....

Guilt, guilt, guilt!!!

And the worst thing?  I knew, even as I was in bed with BW, that I didn't 100% want to be there.  The lure of physical contact and affection when I've been too lonely won out over the fact that mentally I really didn't want to be there.  I know deep down that BW isn't what I want, which is probably why I give him such mixed signals, but god, I miss affection.  And sex - I'll admit it.  I've just got to find the courage to stop doing this to myself.

If I'm totally honest, I would also admit that I'm even sunk to the depths of feeling jealous of H that she's off on holiday next week with a potential new guy.  Afterall, she's been utterly miserable for 6+ months now, which I've hated seeing, and still isn't at all sure of herself so she deserves some happiness.  But don't I?  After a lifetime of being left out, can't I have a little happiness of my own instead of this mess?


Yours always,

A Love Fool

Thursday, 17 February 2011


So .... running alongside the sordid tale of misjudged lunacy that is my on-again, off-again dalliance with the Boy Wonder, I've also been dipping my toe into the world of proper dating.

And it turns out it can be quite painful.  I knew there was a reason I'm so shy of getting involved with guys normally, but I always used to have my weight to hide behind.  Since I dropped my weight (or most of it), I've been trying to force myself to get out there and face the world.

I've decided that I don't always like the world.

I started seeing a guy just after Christmas, and despite lots of distractions (work, work, work, pre-planned social life) on both sides (and him being in London and me not), we managed to see each other a couple of times, and chat loads - everyday by text or on the phone.  And believe me, in my world, that's a scary amount of commitment. 

I should have guessed something was up, when he suddenly went very quiet over the weekend, then promised to call me today.  And there it was - I could hear it as soon as we spoke - the awkwardness because he knew he had something to say and just wanted to get it out.  He'd met a girl at the weekend he'd been in love with for years, and she'd finally split up with her boyfriend.  So as much as he likes me (wonderful - that makes me feel better) he wants to see where it goes with her. 


And you know what's weird .... that's the first time in my life I've ever been dumped.

I've never been in a long term relationship.  There have been guys, but I've always walked away first, or just left them with no opening.  Too scared of the rejection.

And strangely, it's not the most terrible thing.  I mean, it's not great, but it's not horrible.

But you know what made me cry?

Boy Wonder's down tomorrow for the weekend, before other friends descend on Saturday for my house-warming party, and I just found out he's not staying with me for the weekend.  I assumed he was, and I'm upset he's not, because I feel rejected.  And upset, because I don't want to be upset, because I don't have that kind of demand on him, and don't want to.  I don't sodding want to be get mentally involved.  And I've probably made that pretty clear to him, so I don't even know why I'm getting upset!

Anyhoo - right now I feel about as attractive a pile of cold cabbage, so I'm going to go to bed.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

So Where Are We Now?

I truly doubt my sanity sometimes.

Since Boy Wonder broke up with H last summer, the gossip about him has not stopped

First about the circumstances of the break-up and the girl he got caught with (I'm going to call her Strumpet - she should definitely know better as she's in a relationship herself).  Then there were his numerous flirtations with strangers.  And his is-he-isn't-he with another friend (that's easy - I shall call her Welshy), culminating in his self-confessed "holiday romance" with her over Christmas. 

All our friends are coupled up and settled down, and there has not been scandal like this for years.  So every conversation revolves around his antics.

So what's my part in this?  None.  Nothing what-so-ever.  For you see, I am The One Nobody Knows About.  And God knows I am more than happy to keep it that way. 

But why-oh-why would I let myself be treated like this?  Just one of a string of girls?  Where on earth has my self-respect gone?????  Actually, I'm not sure I had any.

I must, must, must grow a spine and get myself out of this situation.  Before my remaining iota of self-esteem is trampled into the ground.  Or worse still, before H finds out what a truly appallingly awful friend I have been.

I didn't think I had it in me to behave this badly.  Apparently, something in me is a little bit rotten.  Or just missing altogether.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

A Sordid History of Stupidity

I knew him before I met her.  We got along really well, in a fun and flirty way, but never the way he flirted with the other girls.  Perhaps because I was fat.  Perhaps because I hated myself so much for being fat.  Or maybe I just never saw it because I didn't believe anyone could like me.  Later I met her, his girlfriend, and we got on well and became friends.

Fast-forward 5 years.  They're still together, although both mutter abour wondering where it's going (not an excuse on my part, just a fact).  One night, somewhat drunk, and the flirty friendship with my safe friend (for argument's sake let's call him the Boy Wonder) tips over into very unsafe territory - just a kiss, but he's not single, and by now I'm pretty good friends with his girlfriend.  Not that it makes a difference, but I'm also about 4 stone lighter than I once was and haven't a clue about my self-identity any more. 

Shocked by my own stupidity, and feeling incredibly guilty, I swear to myself that it won't happen again.  But it does - months go by between kisses, but it happens another 3 times.  And then BAM!!!  Whilst away travelling in Central America for a month over the summer, I get a text from him to say they've broken up.  Because she caught him cheating.

Of course, my first thought (oh evil, evil me) is holy crap, have I been caught?  Oh yeah - that's how nice a person I am.  Luckily for me, I haven't.  Unluckily for his girlfriend (let's call her H), he's been cheating with someone else. 

Now you'd think at this point, that any sane person would think "poor H, but at least I got away with it" and move swiftly along.  And for a while I did.  I continued my travels, talked regularly to H online, and over the phone when I got home.  Got a new job even, and made the decision to move cities (ironically, oh the irony, to H's city) and upped-sticks and moved away.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I got drunk once more, and this time, dear reader, I slept with him.  And a few more times after that.  Apparently, I am not a sane person, after all.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

I'm A Fool

Not just a fool, but officially A. Horrible. Person.

I never thought I'd be that person, and make those mistakes, but here I am ... and boy, am I making them. 

Deep breath ....

I'm sleeping with my best friend's ex.  Whilst she's still in pieces about the break-up.  And what's worse, is I'm the person she's turned to when she's shut everyone else out.

Oh.  My.  God.  (and you can tell this is serious as I am not, on the whole, an O-M-G kind of gal).  How did it come to this?

I keep saying it will be the last time and it won't happen again, but in all honesty he's coming to stay this weekend, and I can't pretend that I'm not looking forward to it.

Somewhere along the line, I became so starved of affection that I now crave it.

It's a ridiculous situation, and I can't tell a damn soul about it.  So judge away, because I'll never meet you, but at least I can pour my heart out here.

Yours always,

A Love Fool