Groan .... I am officially plumbing new depths as the lowest of the low.
Boy Wonder and another friend D stayed at mine this weekend for my housewarming party, whilst other friends stayed with H. I safely stayed away from him in the pub on Friday night, after dinner with H, and even during Saturday afternoon when we were alone and then the housewarming .... but it's tempting fate for him to be staying in my bed (D had the sofa-bed, and since BW and I are good friends, it was never an unreasonable assumption on the face of it that it would work out that way) and nothing to happen.
And again on Sunday afternoon after D had headed home. I felt like such a special grade of double-faced bitch when it turned out that I was kicking BW out of bed and out of the flat so I could go for a pre-arranged run with H. Especially the point where she was saying how hard it had been talking to him the night before (the first time they'd been face-to-face since my birthday) and how she'd found herself listening for hints of who he might be sleeping with now. Ummmmm .....
Guilt, guilt, guilt!!!
And the worst thing? I knew, even as I was in bed with BW, that I didn't 100% want to be there. The lure of physical contact and affection when I've been too lonely won out over the fact that mentally I really didn't want to be there. I know deep down that BW isn't what I want, which is probably why I give him such mixed signals, but god, I miss affection. And sex - I'll admit it. I've just got to find the courage to stop doing this to myself.
If I'm totally honest, I would also admit that I'm even sunk to the depths of feeling jealous of H that she's off on holiday next week with a potential new guy. Afterall, she's been utterly miserable for 6+ months now, which I've hated seeing, and still isn't at all sure of herself so she deserves some happiness. But don't I? After a lifetime of being left out, can't I have a little happiness of my own instead of this mess?
Sigh.
Yours always,
A Love Fool
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