So .... running alongside the sordid tale of misjudged lunacy that is my on-again, off-again dalliance with the Boy Wonder, I've also been dipping my toe into the world of proper dating.
And it turns out it can be quite painful. I knew there was a reason I'm so shy of getting involved with guys normally, but I always used to have my weight to hide behind. Since I dropped my weight (or most of it), I've been trying to force myself to get out there and face the world.
I've decided that I don't always like the world.
I started seeing a guy just after Christmas, and despite lots of distractions (work, work, work, pre-planned social life) on both sides (and him being in London and me not), we managed to see each other a couple of times, and chat loads - everyday by text or on the phone. And believe me, in my world, that's a scary amount of commitment.
I should have guessed something was up, when he suddenly went very quiet over the weekend, then promised to call me today. And there it was - I could hear it as soon as we spoke - the awkwardness because he knew he had something to say and just wanted to get it out. He'd met a girl at the weekend he'd been in love with for years, and she'd finally split up with her boyfriend. So as much as he likes me (wonderful - that makes me feel better) he wants to see where it goes with her.
And you know what's weird .... that's the first time in my life I've ever been dumped.
I've never been in a long term relationship. There have been guys, but I've always walked away first, or just left them with no opening. Too scared of the rejection.
And strangely, it's not the most terrible thing. I mean, it's not great, but it's not horrible.
But you know what made me cry?
Boy Wonder's down tomorrow for the weekend, before other friends descend on Saturday for my house-warming party, and I just found out he's not staying with me for the weekend. I assumed he was, and I'm upset he's not, because I feel rejected. And upset, because I don't want to be upset, because I don't have that kind of demand on him, and don't want to. I don't sodding want to be get mentally involved. And I've probably made that pretty clear to him, so I don't even know why I'm getting upset!
Anyhoo - right now I feel about as attractive a pile of cold cabbage, so I'm going to go to bed.
A Love Fool