Wednesday, 16 February 2011

A Sordid History of Stupidity

I knew him before I met her.  We got along really well, in a fun and flirty way, but never the way he flirted with the other girls.  Perhaps because I was fat.  Perhaps because I hated myself so much for being fat.  Or maybe I just never saw it because I didn't believe anyone could like me.  Later I met her, his girlfriend, and we got on well and became friends.

Fast-forward 5 years.  They're still together, although both mutter abour wondering where it's going (not an excuse on my part, just a fact).  One night, somewhat drunk, and the flirty friendship with my safe friend (for argument's sake let's call him the Boy Wonder) tips over into very unsafe territory - just a kiss, but he's not single, and by now I'm pretty good friends with his girlfriend.  Not that it makes a difference, but I'm also about 4 stone lighter than I once was and haven't a clue about my self-identity any more. 

Shocked by my own stupidity, and feeling incredibly guilty, I swear to myself that it won't happen again.  But it does - months go by between kisses, but it happens another 3 times.  And then BAM!!!  Whilst away travelling in Central America for a month over the summer, I get a text from him to say they've broken up.  Because she caught him cheating.

Of course, my first thought (oh evil, evil me) is holy crap, have I been caught?  Oh yeah - that's how nice a person I am.  Luckily for me, I haven't.  Unluckily for his girlfriend (let's call her H), he's been cheating with someone else. 

Now you'd think at this point, that any sane person would think "poor H, but at least I got away with it" and move swiftly along.  And for a while I did.  I continued my travels, talked regularly to H online, and over the phone when I got home.  Got a new job even, and made the decision to move cities (ironically, oh the irony, to H's city) and upped-sticks and moved away.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I got drunk once more, and this time, dear reader, I slept with him.  And a few more times after that.  Apparently, I am not a sane person, after all.

Yours always,

A Love Fool

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